Saturday 28 March 2015

I'm not a Babysitter


The grouping of Dads together supporting each other is something that I have always found difficult. If you knew me well then you know that I am not a Mans man; I have, for some reason, always got on better with Women and have always found it difficult to connect with men. 
I know many Dads who work hard, try hard and do everything in their power to be the best Dad that they can be. But at times the world still sees us Dads as being separate to Mum’s, I have even heard Dads themselves belittle their role.

There is a wonderful t-shirt going round that I have ordered with the writing “Dads don’t babysit” it is something that has struck a nerve and has brought me to writing this post.
I am, quite frankly, fed up with Dads being called Babysitters. 
Every dad in every way is a father and one that has a massive impact on their children’s lives. If you have followed my blog or come across a post that I published before Christmas called 'Where's your Mummy?' you would know how much I hate and detest the idea that us Dads are something less in relation to their children.
But let’s hold on a second; there are still massive social barriers between Mums and Dads.
But I wanted to write something here to break some of that down as well as put the fact that I am called a Babysitter, by some, aside.
I am much more because I am a Dad:
  • I am the person that my sons come to when they are sad and want a cuddle.
  • I am the one who kisses and cuddles them when they have hurt themselves.
  • I am the one who goes on adventures in the countryside with them.
  • I educate and entrust them with knowledge.
  • I kiss and cuddle them good night and tuck them in.
  • I play, fight, laugh, cry and get messy with them.
  • I cook, clean and take care of them emotionally and physically.
  • I am here and always be there for them in every way.
  • I am the one that the scream at because they hate me.
  • I am the one that is unfair because I won’t let them do activities that they may want to do.

Ultimately this list could go on and on because being a Dad is so much more! It does sadden me at times when I see men walk away from their families and responsibilities and stop having a role in their children’s lives. But it saddens me more when Dads themselves refer their duties as less than a Mum. We, as a society, have already got many barriers put into place that make it difficult to play the “correct” part we don’t need to put any more barriers in place.
If you’re lucky enough to have a fabulous partner that gets to go out then don’t say you’ll stay in and babysit for them, they’re your children. If you’re one of the fabulous Mums who gets to go out don’t then say that your other half is at home babysitting; they are doing far much more. And finally; if you’re a single parent don’t see your time with your children as a break away from their Mum see it as the role that you have to nurture and cherish the beautiful gifts that you have been given. Get on the floor and show the world, and more importantly your children, what a real Dad is.

79 comments:

Natalie Streets said...

I love this, I always tell R it's not babysitting when he's looking after the child that he helped create! I call it a Daddy day, he doesn't get to have them much because he works so much but Oliver still absolutely adores him. I love seeing them together! I also hate that the father role is belittled so much. I wouldn't be able to be the mother I am without R being an amazing father

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks Nat. It's amazing how many dads call themselves babysitters. You're completely right that it's called parenting and daddy days. My boys know that they have daddy days which is great.
Still horrible though that I get told I'm babysitting at times.

Ashley Beolens said...

I have always hated hearing that both directed towards me as a dad and from other dads, it is the most stupid thing I've ever heard, how the hell can we babysit our own kids?

Another great post Martyn

Unknown said...

Great post Martyn

Unknown said...

Great words, as always Martyn! I just did a post about how there have been some advancements in how we're looked at as primary caregivers, and that we still have a long way to go. People not calling us (or themselves) the babysitter is a great step in advancing that!

Penny Pincher (Dawn) said...

I wish I could say something good about my ex but he never did anything to help me or my kids, I did it all alone. It's great to see a man that's really involved with with every aspect of his children's lives and for anyone referring to a dad's role as babysitting really has no idea how hands on some men like to be. great post :-)

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks Ashley! I'm pleased that you share my dislike of this! It does anger me. They're my children...There's no babysitting at all only parenting.

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks Tommy and thanks for reading.

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks Spike. Ooo great I'll pop over to the blog and have a read of that. I think there are some advancements being made towards dad's but I do still think there can be a divide...and a lot of the time it's us Dads that aren't helping.

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks for commenting Dawn. It's a shame because you're not the first to say that about their ex. It annoys me because I really believe that father a child makes you a responsible person to be a dad to them. I will always take an active role in my children's lives and would never have it any other way! :)

Emma T said...

I agree on the whole. But I have to say that my husband doesn't really do any of the things in your list, and although I'd refer to him as keeping an eye on or looking after N if I go out, he's definitely a hands off dad. He's becoming less of a 'babysitter' as N gets older, but I'd still say he has a long way to go to be of equal parenting level. Comparing him to most other dads I know, he's definitely in the minority...except perhaps the farmers we know! Maybe it's the stuck in the dark ages actions and views that they have.

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks for commenting. I did a post last week on "am I a good dad" where I mentioned that being a dad has different roles including working hard and long hours. And I can imagine that being a farmer does that! But more importantly that dad's try to do what's right.
Ultimately every dad and parent is different with different parenting styles. I think more so that some believe that they're just thete to fill in when mum isn't. And I know from myself and for others that it's sometimes annoying that we are classed in that category.

Moderate Mum said...

Great post! I have to admit I call my partner babysitter if I go out in the evening but I call MYSELF babysitter if he goes out. I obviously have some delusional theory that parenting ends at 7pm!

Hannah said...

This annoys me, if im out people always say my husband is doing the 'baby sitting' no he's chuffing well not! I like that t shirt its a good buy!

Martyn Kitney said...

Thank you! Ah well the equality between you two is the main thing. If you both end up babysitting then that's ok. :)

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks for commenting Hannah. It is one of those frustrating things that people say. I definitely don't babysit I parent. T'shirt will be here soon....I can't wait :)

Anonymous said...

Well said, Martyn. To imply that all dads are babysitters is more than a little insulting, suggesting as it does that any attachment is temporary and functional rather than permanent and emotional. That may apply to some dads, but to tar us all with the same brush is no less preposterous than saying that stay-at-home-mums do nothing all day.

JOhn Adams said...

A superbly written post. I can think of two occasions when I have been told I was babysitting my children. One by an older woman who literally lifted my newborn daughter out of my arms for a cuddle. Interestingly, her daughter, who would have been about my age, was with this individual. The aughter looked on, clealry very uncomfortable with the situation, and chided her mother for making such a comment. The other time was by a (young, female) GP. Your list is fanstastic and I too shall be investing in one of those tee shirts. #BigFatLinky

Something Crunchy Mummy said...

Great post as as a mummy I have never said my husband babysits. And I never refer to him as being home babysitting. He is their daddy and he is equal to me so looks after them like I do. And he doesn't refer it as babysitting either as he doesn't need to be asked to look after them - he just does. I saw someone say the other day in my Facebook 'I need to ask him to babysit our daughter' and it really annoyed me. It's an insult to the daddy I feel #bigfatlinky

Nigel said...

Great post we are not babysitters we are dads and consequently cannot babysit your children

A Green and Rosie Life said...

It's true - Mum's don't babysit their children so why should Dads? #BigFatLinky

Unknown said...

This reminds me of a sting song (my late dad and me love him!) one of the lines in a song about a broken family was 'what can a father do but babysit some time?' Even as a nipper I found this so sad! It's so not true. You are an equal parent. I know my hubby is. Your boys are so lucky and society needs to get it too!! #bigfatlinky x

Unknown said...

I absolutely hate it when people ask me if I want to do something and that I could get his Dad to babysit? It actually infuriates me a little, I certainly do not babysit my child when his Dads not their so why should they call it babysitting when it's me that's not there? We're not together anymore so don't really get such comments, just get asked if I'd like to do something times that he's staying at his Dads, but the thought of it still annoys me. Great post! #bigfatlinky

Unknown said...

Crikey - anyone that calls any Dad or Mum a babysitter will get a bop on the nose from me ;). I find it such an odd term to give a proactive and busy parent. Have people really called you that? That's awful!

Laura said...

This is fab...I've heard so many dads say 'I can't, I'm babysitting' like its a chore they're helping with, luckily my husband thinks like you and not only shares equal responsibility for Ted but looks forward to and enjoys every moment spent with Ted. Dad's offer children completely different experiences to us Mums and it's awesome when children have a Dad that embraces and enjoys this #bigfatlinky

Mama, My Kid Doesn't Poop Rainbows said...

I've never heard a dad's role being referred to as 'babysitting'. How bizarre! In our house we talk about our 'off-duty nights', on the rare occasion one of us is out with friends.

#BigFatLinky

Lisa (mummascribbles) said...

I'm pretty sure I have used this term, but about me as well! Not that we go out very often for this to happen. You are right though, and especially in your case because you do so much for your little ones. #bigfatlinky

Unknown said...

The t-shirt that you've posted saying 'Dads don't babysit' is brilliant! Dad's are parents too. I'd never say Lily's dad was just a babysitter...may need to get one of those t-shirts for him! #BigFatLinky

Anonymous said...

this urks hubby too, last time someone said ok your on babysitting duty he snapped "im her dad i don't babysit - great post :)

helloarchie.blue said...

I feel so sorry for Dad's! From the off they're seen as the less important parent which is ludicrous. They bring so much to their children's lives, just as much as Mum does. #bigfatlinky

Unknown said...

I think my husband would be pretty offended if somebody referred to what he does as babysitting. He looks after the kids all day every day. We've never thought of it this way for either of us though. If one of us goes out and the other stays behind they are just staying at home to look after the kids - because that's what parents do! I've never heard somebody use this term in relation to a parent but if I do I'll firmly direct them here ;) #bigfatlinky

Jenni said...

Spot on!!
It's awful that the role of the dad is played down and babysitting? I would be so offended if anyone said my husband was babysitting Boo!

Mummy Fever said...

Great post - I love that quote, we have that up in our hallway! #bigfatlinky

MummyandMonkeys said...

I love that quote, I gave my partner a card with that on in reference to my boys. He is like a Dad to them and I'm so grateful for it. Unfortuantely their Dad isn't as involved as you are. But even when he does see them I wouldn't say he was babysitting that's not right to say. Your boys are very lucky having such a good Dad x

Dawn of the Dad said...

The one thing in life that really bugs me is the pigeon holes we put each other, and ourselves in. We are all individuals, and I always try extremely hard to see everyone as such.
It amazes me how stereotypical we still are today, without even realising. We all need to be proactive in breaking these chains, so that we all may be free!

Anonymous said...

I have to get myself one of those t-shirts. I'm seeing it used on several cover photos too. Frankly I'm surprised at this antiquated view still exists in the 21st century. #bigfatlinky

Unknown said...

Great post! I see it as Daddy time, the boys spend most of the time with me and it's great to see them having some daddy time too. If I have a (rare) night out then my MIL often says daddy is babysitting, which is quite annoying, as he's just being their daddy! :)

jeremy@thirstydaddy said...

My wife and I both cut down our hours to avoid needing daycare, but when my daughter needs something, she still comes to daddy first.

Martyn Kitney said...

Exactly. It's frustrating and infuriating to hear. Thanks for commenting Tim

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks a lot John. Very much appreciated. I think a lot of Dads will have examples of this which is sad. Dad's and mums there's no difference. All parenting. Definitely invest in one. I love mine.

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks for commenting. It is isn't it? I'm pleased though that neither of you do it. No problem just parenting. It is an insult. I get that there are different types of fathers but in whatever form it needs to be seen as parenting and not babysitting

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks for commenting Nigel. That's exactly it. Wish a lot of attitudes to change even from the dad's that refer themselves as such.

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks Rosie. Definitely agree. Shouldn't be any different.

Martyn Kitney said...

It's terrible that society or at least some 8 it think so. Only the next generation will truly see the difference. Thanks for commenting

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks for commenting. It is infuriating. When my wife and I were together I heard it and didn't see the problem. Yet now we're separated it really bothers me. I'm very active in the boys lives luckily so I consider myself as more. The boys have daddy days and Mummy days. Not non mummy days where Daddy babysits.

Martyn Kitney said...

Lol I feel the same...they'd need a good slap at least. Yeah have been called it a few times and you'll be surprised if I said who. But it's an awful statement and dads should be seen as doing more even by dad's themselves at times! Thanks for commenting

Martyn Kitney said...

Dad's that say it anger me the most to be honest. Pleased your husband sees it the same as me. Kids are gifts we're lucky to spend time with. Not a burden to watch.

Martyn Kitney said...

It's shocking really how often you hear it. I'll be interested to know now you've read this if you notice it more. Off duty is so mh better and a great way of seeing it. Thanks for commenting

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks Lisa. I think if a couple equally say it then it's fine. I think it's more when others say it more. I believe I do lots more but that why it annoys me lol thanks for commenting lisa.

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks for commenting Alexandra. You should he'll love it!! It's such a great saying that more need to pay attention to.

Martyn Kitney said...

Lol I don't blame him. I'd be exactly the same. Pleased though that he would agree. You should get him the T'shirt :) Thanks for commenting

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks for commenting. I completely agree. Although in fairness a lot of Dads put themselves in that position too.

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks! Please do! And thanks for commenting. I'd be interested now though that because of this post if you hear it or notice it. So pleased to see too that neither of you refer to it other than parenting. And even better that your hubby is so active in the kids lives!

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks and pleased you enjoyed it. It is quite offensive but am pleased the majority here see it as equality in parenting

Martyn Kitney said...

Really? It's a great quote one that brings me comfort. Thanks for commenting

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks for commenting. It's a great quote right? Sometimes some dad's ate there in different ways. Great that your partner is. Not all dad's are as active as I but in any sense it's great that you still wouldn't refer to him as a babysitter

Jade (Raising the Rings) said...

Great post Martyn, and so true too! Endless times I've tried telling one particular family member that my OH is not babysitting, because how can you babysit your own children? I've asked her if I babysit them if I have them on my own.. oh no she says, you're their mum. Exactly, and he's their dad! No difference. Nothing like some dad time! #bigfatlinky x

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks for commenting! I completely agree. It's about time that these stereotypes stop.

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks for commenting! yeah you should. I've got mine now. It's great. I'm shocked that it still happens but sadly it does.

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks for commenting! aw that's great to hear. We just have daddy days and Mummy days. It's nicer this way. I think the MIL might just be a generational thing but the fact you guys see it differently is great.

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks for commenting Jeremy. That's great to hear! It's things like that which stop the stereotypes presented.

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks for commenting Jade. Glad you brought it up with them. I think if everyone asked a mum if they were babysitting they'd all say no. Just sad people see dad's like that. But pleased you don't and you agree. Daddy time is great!

Unknown said...

Great post. My hubby is such an amazing Dad to M. He always takes her off for daddy daughter time..I would never say he was babysitting. #bigfatlinky :-)

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks for commenting Sophie! That's great to hear. Love hearing about dad's being dad's!

Unknown said...

Well said. My ex used to drive me mad with this, saying he wasn't going to babysit on a weekend whilst I went out (even though I rarely went out). It wasn't babysitiing it was access! Ultimtely he was the one that stopped seeing my eldest as he refused to 'babysit', he's not seen him now for over 10 years. Real dads don't babysit, they spend time with their kids #bigfatlinky

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks toni. I'm glad you agree. It properly infuriates me that dad's say this or act like this. I always fume when I hear about dad's that don't see their children and through their choice. I would say it's a shame but part of me thinks that for any man who can do that then reflects on them and actually in the long run is beneficial thing to the children.
Not once would I say that I'm babysitting even when I have the kids an extra night. For me it's just an extra night I spend with my kids.

Hectic Dad (aka Jeff Page) said...

Mom of the year

You struck a nerve with me with your opening. Some years ago, when I had six kids in grade school I was there almost every week with treats for bake sales, delivering forgotten homework, picking someone up for an appointment, and tending to all the business of being a school parent. Hectic Wife had just started her medical practice, and as a solo-doc couldn’t leave…so the duties fell to me.

You can imagine my surprise when I was awarded “Mom of the Year” at the final school assembly. Frankly, they didn’t know what to do with me. At that time, Dad’s weren’t as involved as they are now. We laugh every year when we put the Mom of the Year angel that was given to me on our Christmas tree.

Like you I’ve always gotten along better with women. When discussions move to cars or hunting with the men in a group, I’m utterly lost. Yet I can hold my own in any cooking or sewing discussion.

I’m now providing full-time care for the next generation of the Hectic Clan…and I love every minute of it. Hectic Grandson loves his mom and grandma, but when the going gets rough I’m the one he comes to. It’s an amazing feeling being able to positively impact a little one so much.

Great post, glad that I clicked on it from #TheBigFatLinky.

Make it a great day!

Richie said...

I personally do not feel strongly one way or another about being called a babysitter. I know who I am and if someone wants to label me something else, then by all means go for it. Sticks and stones is a saying for a reason. Great post!

Martyn Kitney said...

Mom of the year! I don't know if I should laugh or cry lol
It is a big compliment though that you were seen as equal in the equation of parenting!
I'm glad I'm not the only one who gets in better with women that men. I'm usually so lost by the concept of man talk.
It's comments like these that make me proud of being a dad and being an active one. Thanks a lot for commenting!

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks for commenting Richie. You're right with the whole sticks and stones aspect. But discrimination against parenting between gender is quite large. Especially when you see the dad's views above on this topic. Like any discrimination.

But you are right by saying that as long as you know who you are is the main thing!

Wander Mum said...

Hi Martyn, of course you aren't a babysitter! That term sounds very archaic now. My husband is very hands on with my daughter and has carved out an incredibly important role in her life and she absolutely adores him. I know some dads don't get to spend as much time as they would like with their children but they are still more than babysitters - and I would hope no one referred to me like that - otherwise I would give them a good talking to! #bigfatlinky

Debs @ Super Busy Mum said...

Amazing post. Babysitting is NEVER a Father {or male role models} job when they are in that childs life. Never. Awful word to use. P.A.R.E.N.T.I.N.G is what it is called and the more people see that, the better. Great post, popping over from #thefatlinky

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks wonder mum! I don't think I am. I feel I'm like your husband. Dad's do have an important role. Completely agree.

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks for commenting Debs! I completely agree. It's shocking though to know how many people say this and that includes Dads.

Unknown said...

Absolutely! I wrote a post a while ago about language I didn't like...it was a bit of a rant and included daddy daycare...You are not a babysitter, my son's father is not a babysitter, I am not a babysitter. I love your post, it feels a v important message. Lucy at occupation:(m)other

Unknown said...

What a great post! I totally agree that men/fathers just don't get a look in sometimes! Suz x beauisblue.com

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks Lucy. I'm so pleased you agree. :)

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks! I think it's a shame. But I hear it a lot. And have had it spoken to me a lot too. But I think fathers should be more, even the ones who declare it themselves.

baby sitters chennai said...

Really very nice to heard like this from a man because most of the man will role the mother only they are not taking care of the children. very good . Keep it up !